Musings
by Laura8881
Summary: Hermione reflects on her relationships while sitting in the common room one night. Hr/R, Hr/D. Has been continued, due to popular request. :
1. Chapter 1

Hey! I'll just say that writing this was a very catarthic process, as it mirrors my feelings at the moment, and to some extent it's an attempt to come to terms with them. So due to that, it may be slightly out of character. I love reviews, so even if you hate it, don't see how it's related to HP at all, anything, please write me. Anyway, on to the story, and I hope you enjoy. :)

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They had a certain chemistry. She'd always known that. He was different than she'd assumed, and they had potential. She'd known that since their first actual deep conversation. And yet that conversation had destroyed any chances she ever had. Little did she know that him asking her seriously about her feelings for Ron would open the floodgates to her heart.

She thought she'd hid it fairly well. The fact that he had guessed immediately shocked her. Thinking about it, she guessed it was. Ron had grown different over the years. He'd become confident, good-looking, popular, Quidditch star of Hogwarts, admired by half the female population. When he'd asked her if it made her jealous that other girls fancied Ron, she'd honestly replied 'no'. Because truthfully, it didn't. It actually satisfied her to know that she wasn't weird for liking him. Furthermore, she knew she didn't have a shot in hell. They were best friends, he saw her as a sister. Since she'd discovered her feelings, she'd become awkward around him, closing up and freezing. He'd never see her as a girl, especially since she couldn't be fun or flirty since discovering her feelings. She tried to joke, but knew her jokes were weird because the whole time she was judging herself, trying to make sure she didn't say anything that would reveal her deepest secrets. Really, in trying to hide it from Ron, she didn't think that she hadn't managed to hide it from anyone else.

Apparently Draco had known. And now, he questioned why she hadn't done anything about it. "My greatest fear is rejection," she'd replied. That wasn't a good reason, he'd argued. Wasn't it worth risking your heart sometimes? No! Not when there was no hope. Even the way he'd phrased the question made her realize that there was absolutely no hope. Ron would never like her. So really, why risk destroying what they did have? She was going to bury her feelings, hope to get over them. It's how it had always worked with her crushes. But what about this newest one? Draco was different.

Ron had mature moments, but he didn't get her. Draco did. She discovered that in the course of their conversation. Yeah, they'd talked before, and known each other for years, granted mostly as antagonists. And their Head duties had brought them into close proximity. But they'd never had a deep talk before. So while she saw that he was tolerable, she never saw that he was what he was. Sweet, intelligent, kind, caring, philosophical, and genuinely concerned about her. And he was trying to empower her. Help her. Make her face her fears. And yet he understood why she wouldn't. That was what impressed her most. She couldn't say she'd immediately fallen in love with him, she'd been attracted to him before, but this talk had made her realize that maybe Ron wasn't who she should be liking. It was Draco. Who understood. But who she felt could never like her now.

A girl wasn't supposed to reveal her soul, and talking about your crush on another guy was not the way to get a guy's attention. She knew that. She wasn't supposed to spill her deepest darkest secrets in their first real conversation. She wasn't supposed to look absolutely ridiculous while doing it. Sleep-deprived, in sweat pants, a t-shirt, a fleece jacket, eyes red-rimmed due to her tiredness, with her colorful socks that clashed with everything. She wasn't supposed to tell him all this trusting him immediately. What kind of impression did that make? Seriously, she had done everything wrong.

Now everytime she saw Draco, it was awkward. How do you go to speaking casually after having that type of talk? Furthermore, how do you go to speaking normally realizing your new feelings? It wasn't that she was over Ron. She couldn't immediately switch her affections. But she was on her way. And she really didn't want to be. It was almost worse developing another un-requited crush. Especially since this crush was based on something deeper than what she and Ron had. Yes, she and Ron had been through everything together, for almost seven years. But they had never connected on the emotional level that she and Draco had. There was more than attraction there, there was the hint of soulmates. But she'd never ever tell. For the same reasons her feelings for Ron would remain buried forever. This is the conclusion Hermione came to.

And as Draco walked into the common room, she snapped herself out of her reverie and went back to her reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey! Firstly, I would like to say thanks to all my lovely reviewers! I really appreciate it, and you've inspired me to continue this story. As I said, the last chapter was largely autobiographical. This one isn't. Well, let me rephrase that- many of the thoughts are. I needed to continue this as catharsis (and thus, this story may seem a bit depressing right now because I have a habit of writing it when I feel bad about my life). But the action is all fictional. So on that train, I promise, it will get happier after this chapter. Hopefully. I think I've vented all my frustrations for a while. And seeing how it's becoming more fictional, there's hope for a romantic ending, unlike my life. So yay! I have no idea how much longer it will be, not too long since I'm not a fan of long stories. But since people wanted more, I did decide to continue it. So review more! The more reviews, the faster I will update! Please! I love getting feedback! Anyway, enjoy! :)

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Sometimes she just felt like her life was crashing down around her. Yesterday was one of those days.

There were many factors. She had no true plan for her life. She'd always studied her hardest, engaged in extracurriculars, taken every opportunity that came along. She'd always been successful. That wasn't the issue. But to what end was that success leading her? She had no idea what she truly wanted. It seemed like everyone knew. Harry had it figured out. Heck, even Neville knew what he wanted. She didn't feel like anything was made for her, for the first time in her life. She was a Gryffindor, but did she really have the bravery to be an Auror? She couldn't even reveal her feelings to the guy she liked. Did she have the patience to be a Healer? Heck no. I mean, she'd once punched Draco in the face due to frustration and impatience. She knew she could handle many jobs. She knew she was sought after for many jobs. But really, she didn't know what would make her happy. The uncertainty caused her many restless nights. Then there was the homesickness. Yes, it had been seven years now, seeing her family twice a year, but she'd never fully adjusted. She missed them. Lately, she'd felt a bit disconnected from her friends. It seemed like they could not help her with her troubles, and she couldn't help them with theirs. She knew who could help her, the one person she felt connected to. But he was no longer an option.

Draco. The one single reason why she was currently sobbing her heart out in the common room. Since that moment, yesterday, when she'd seen him on the sixth floor broom closet snogging that Ravenclaw twit, all her other problems had compounded and her seemingly perfectly orchestrated world had collapsed.

So here she was, crying, with her pint of ice cream, angry at the world. She needed to vent. But who to? No one knew about her feelings. And honestly, she'd rather keep it that way. So she reached for a piece of parchment.

_Dear You,_

_If you are reading this, you should figure out who you are very soon. If not, you may be the densest person ever. Or not. I've never been that good at expressing my feelings. But here we are. So I just have one question: why am I not good enough for you? Seriously, is there something wrong with me? I just can't have crushes be reciprocated. Honestly, I don't understand- I don't have a terrible personality. I'm smart, I'm easy to get along with, I'm decently attractive, I just don't understand. What is missing? Really, I realize I'm not a model, but what is it about me that makes it impossible for me to attract a guy? Or more specifically, you. I know you usually go for the airheaded bimbo type. But, I suppose I always hoped there was the possibility you liked me. It just seemed lately that you valued personality. Or so I gave myself to believe. Mind over matter. So not true. I suppose it was a foolish notion. I never admitted to myself that I had hoped. Then yesterday, when my world came crashing down, I realized that I had cherished that hope deep down. And then I realized the futility of it. I should have known: it's the way the world works. Girls like me never win._

_-Hermione_

She folded up the paper, and placed it in her bag. Really, that was a sad letter. But she needed to pour out her frustrations. Because quite sadly, everything she'd written was true. She had hoped. Draco, as she'd discovered had a personality that had let her hope. He'd been so kind and comforting. He was unlike Ron. With Ron she'd never allowed herself to hope, except in her hidden fantasies. I mean she had at first. But really, as time went on, and she saw the implausibility of it all, she'd cherished it as a crush that was going nowhere, almost one she imposed on herself to make herself miserable. She'd continued it of her own volition. With Draco it was different. That had grown without her truly realizing it. Hermione hated to admit it, but she was a bit of a masochist. "Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering." It was a quote by one of her favorite Muggle authors, Dostoevsky. And so, she'd continued to crush on Ron, even when she realized the futility of it, because she liked having an unrequited crush to an extent. But because it was to some extent self-imposed, it was never that deep. She could shut it off, if it ever hurt her too much. Also, it never hurt this much. But the love she felt for Draco was true. She had not planned on it, had not continued it herself, and thus seeing him with another girl had hurt her inexplicably. It had been like Gryffindor's-basilisk-defeating-sword to the heart.

She had been avoiding him since yesterday. She couldn't let him see her like this again. Not when it was about him. He was too good at reading her. She could hear footsteps approaching the portrait hole. So, she hurriedly grabbed her stuff and rushed up to her room. In her rush, she didn't even notice the pieces of parchment floating out of her bag, landing at the foot of the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

I sincerely apologize that it has taken me this long to update the story. I've been very busy, and also at a complete lack of inspiration. Since my lovesickness has ended (read: I got over both my crushes which is great for my life, not so great for my writing) I have been at a lack of inspiration. Anyway, I hope you forgive me, and make me happy and review. :)

Happy Holidays!

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The door opened with a bang. Startled, Hermione pulled the blankets up around her, smoothed her hair a bit, and peeked out from under the covers. Upon seeing the intruder-who else could it have been really?-she gave an exasperated sigh.

"What, Draco?"

He looked at her wordlessly, holding up a piece of paper. She merely stared confused.

"What is that?"

"Well, dearest Hermione, this is what is generally known as a letter. See, it has a header, a wonderfully eloquent text, and a nice signature," he teased her.

"And you're showing me this why? What does it say?" She asked nonplussed, but really not in a mood to care for his silly banter. She had an emotional crisis to deal with after all!

"Well, I thought you might be able to tell me."

It was then that she recognized the piece of paper. Instantly, her voice became edged with fear.

"Where did you get that?"

"I found it in the common room." He had been tempted to come up with an exasperating response-something like 'in your knicker drawer of course'-but the terrified look on her face made him reconsider, and he spoke in a soft voice, devoid of his usual smirk or teasing tone.

She seemed to register the tone, but grew angry nonetheless.

"And so what, you've come to mock me?"

"No, Hermione, I..."

"Just get out! I was a fool to think those thoughts, let alone write them. I knew you could never feel the same way. But idiot I was, deep down I always hoped. I mean, what is wrong with me? First Ron, now this? I don't need any more rejection. I heartily beg you never to read my personal writings again. And don't try saying anything, or comforting me. This conversation never leaves this room. You breathe a word of this, you die. You can take pride in the fact that you finally conquered me. 'Oh, of course, I even managed to get the princess of Gryffindor to fall for me'. I think not. Or I will hex you into oblivion. And you know I can do that!"

She wasn't making much sense, even she knew that. Draco just stood there wordlessly, letting her rant.

Not seeing any response, her emotions changed. Pulling the blankets over her head, she gave a strangled sob.

"Just get out!"

Draco opened his mouth, but no words would come out.


	4. Chapter 4

Alright, sorry it's taken me forever to update (again) but this time I have the legitimate excuse of not having had internet. Anyway, I hope its still enjoyable. This is the second to last chapter, and the more reviews I get, the happier I get, the more inclined I am to update soon. Happy New Year!

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Draco was at a loss for words. Stumped. How could Hermione think he didn't care about her?

Sure, it had been true once upon a time. The first two years of their acquaintance, he had truly loathed her. Then, third year, when she started getting feistier, he acknowledged her as a rival. Rival implying that she was equal to him, even though he would never deign to speak those words out loud. Fourth year, he began to see her as a girl. Fifth year, he started falling in love with her.

Draco knew that he could have almost any girl at Hogwarts. And indeed, many had the traits he desired in a girlfriend. Intelligence, quick wit, looks, and the list goes on. Those would make sense. But he also realized that he craved caring, kindness, someone with compassion and a conscience. Someone who would fight for what they believed in rather than letting others do it for him. Hermione was all of those things and more. She had a fire, she wasn't simply brilliant and brave and kind, she did all she did with such a complete dedication and wholeheartedness, that he couldn't help but admire her when he realized all these things. Draco wasn't particularly religious, but when he thought of her, it was as a being larger than life, angelic, revelation-like. She had a beautiful soul. And so he couldn't help but fall in love with her.

Draco wasn't a Malfoy at heart--he honestly wanted something more, something different than the Dark Arts. It tore him up to see Hermione, and many at Hogwarts, hate him for something he had no desire to be. When he was young, he hadn't known much different than to practice the values instilled in him by his parents. He went about with a vehemence calling people mudbloods, never truly realizing what that term entailed, or the hurt it caused. He'd tried to reform, but Hermione never saw it.

Thankfully, the war was over now. The bitterness, the past, could be forgotten he hoped. And at least, Hermione seemed willing to form a truce, to attempt to forget the past. But that was all. He was civil now, tried to be her friend, but she never let him get close.

Until that night. That night when he'd seen her with all her guards down. She'd been completely destroyed. Hermione hadn't sought Draco, she'd just needed human kindness. And so, he provided that. He didn't see it as anything more than that, at least on her part. For his part, he'd been elated. He could hold her, dry her tears, listen to her, show her he cared. He'd wanted to go punch Weasley in the face. How could he do that to someone as great as his Hermione? No, not his, never his.

Hermione could never love him. Especially since she obviously cared for Weasley. Hermione was too good, to pure, to perfect to ever fall for someone like him. Someone who'd teased and insulted her, been her sworn enemy, someone who hid his secret love for fear of anyone knowing.

So really, he understood why she thought he didn't love her. He did, and had tried to show her in his own way, but that wasn't enough. He didn't understand why she thought she wasn't worthy of his love. That was an utterly absurd concept. But this was Hermione. She was crazy, and that's what he loved about her. But now what could he do? She obviously wanted him out, and the way he was standing there speechless wasn't giving her much encouragement. He didn't know what to do. Was this the time for reason or for action? And so, with his handle on the door, he made a split-second decision.


End file.
